Moment of Regret

As I started reading more about depression and the way it affects people, I have come across this. Hope you would like it. This is pure fiction and any resemblance is pure coincidence. I love the message at the end. Hope you do too.

It was a simple day. But emotions rushed in my body. It was as if they were trying to get out after spending a long time in a prison. It wasn’t a special day. It was a normal one. The days we usually go through. The ones which don’t  have much events in them. The ones that a lot of people try making interesting. My day was something like that.

Or in a way, it was like a Monday. The dreaded feeling to wake up to go to work, after enjoying the entire weekend. Was today a Monday? or a Thursday? I don’t know. I don’t have my phone anymore. A few days ago, it died and I got frustrated and threw it out.Yup, that is my situation. You must be wondering, what is happening in his life that he gets frustrated at the fact that the power in his mobile is out?

For you, Monday might be the day where you get Monday blues. But to me, every day felt like a hundred thousand Mondays in a single day in the same 24 hours. Everyday, I felt dreadful to wake up. It didn’t make sense initially. I started getting up late. Working late, I thought. Slowly, I started sleeping early. Still I woke up late. Why was that happening, I had no idea? Was it because my body was changing? Was it because I was getting tired? Was it something else? I had questions, but no answers.

First few days, I had blamed myself, as the usual standards, that I became lazy. My blame has been asserted by a number of people around me. “You’re not the person whom we used to know. You have become lazy now”

I took these blames by myself and from other people as a sign of weakness and to improve. God knows what happened to the latter, but as I couldn’t help my sleep timings, I started blaming myself more. And as I started blaming myself more, I started sleeping more. I should have looked at it. At a point it became that I could sleep at any time. Any instant. Although that was something a lot of people would like to have as a talent, the sleep was depressing. As I look back now and think from the expanded knowledge, or the additional knowledge that I have gained over the years, I don’t think I realized this then. I was emotionally venting out. I never knew how to vent it out. They all stayed it till that moment, when they would burst out.

Now, as I look back, I could see that the reason I was sleeping was not only just to emotionally vent out but also as I couldn’t bear the sadness that was consuming me. Every day has become a chore. A routine that didn’t seek my attention anymore. Every day had become a way for my brain to be on auto pilot. Just move from my room to the class. Or if doesn’t feel like, just sleep in the room. Do not bother opening the curtains, it just will let the light enter in. And the light burned. It was not that I didn’t try to get out of this thing, whatever that was. I tried doing something, only to leave it halfway. I didn’t understand what was the reason behind me feeling like this and what might be the way out.

I had many tools at my disposal. I had online help, books, travel, internet. If I think now, it shouldn’t be hard for me to come out of that situation when it was in its lower stages, but somehow, I couldn’t recognize it at the right time. It just kept growing. And it grew to such a state that I couldn’t battle it anymore. Till now, I had an upper hand. I tried working my way out, although I didn’t win. But now, it has grew to so great extent that I was deep in the whirlpool and I needed external assistance. But who is it going to be?

In my sadness, I spent a lot of time being by myself that I didn’t have any answer to that question. But I didn’t give up. I was ready to try anything. They told me that travelling might solve some problems. And so I did. I went places, but something or the other came following me. As if this darkness didn’t want to leave me, it had sent its minions towards me to kill even the small amount of happiness that was left in my body.

I tried meditating. To zero in on the problem. I exercised, so that if my body is physically tired, it wouldn’t bother to think much. But that didn’t help as I was so tired that I couldn’t go to the gym anymore. Meditating didn’t work, it reminded me of the darkness and that gave my mind a powerful spot to wander around. It felt that no one is observing itself and it started going to places that it never did. Criminal thoughts started in my mind. I became afraid of what this was turning out to be.

Creative energy is the antidote to the destruction that is happening in my mind. I had heard it somewhere. I decided I would try that too. There was not much to lose. Except my life, I don’t think there was anything left to be lost. And then I started writing. The ultimate tool at my disposal now. With the broken language that I know, I started writing. Reminiscing the memories of my childhood, I started writing. Thinking of a bright future, I started writing. To destroy the darkness in my life, I started writing. To accept my fate, I started writing. And to vent out everything that I felt, I started writing.

P.S: Writing actually helped me get over the sadness that came over me. I still don’t know why I got that, but luckily I was not one of the terrible cases. It was just mild and I was happy after a while. Now, I look for opportunities in every day and my life is wonderful now.

P.P.S : Everyone is fighting a battle. And some of us have won in the battle you are fighting now. If you feel comfortable, please share with us, the trouble of your battle. We’ll add our hands in it. Probably not as a commander-in-chief, but at least as a soldier. You don’t have to go through it alone.

Surya.

Please follow my blog for more posts like this. Thank you in advance.

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