6 more hours to sunrise.
I’m wrapped in my blanket, staring at the wall in darkness. What lies behind the wall? What lies inside the wall? They are questions that I don’t want to know the answers to. Even though I know that there is nothing behind or beneath the wall, every time I stare at it in darkness, I imagine all kinds of things present there. My mind has been like that. And today is one of the many days when I suffer.
I keep looking at my watch, and it shows the same time every time I take a glance at it. The willingness of it to move from that seconds seems the same as mine to move on from this situation. I have tried medication, but it didn’t work. After a while, the symptoms have gotten worse and I couldn’t sleep at all. My anxiety has taken over my situation and I can see all sorts of things now.
I hear a faint sound. Every time I mention this to my roommates or my friends when they come over for a sleepover, they look at me as if I’m mad. But I’m not. I know that there is some kind of being inside the wall. Otherwise, what would be the source of the sound? Who could be making that sound? It was rhythmic, similar to a human’s heartbeat. But it was coming from outside. Could it be my own heartbeat?
I have a large bottle of water on my side table, beside my lamp, which is now on, thanks to me being awake. Beside the bottle are my pills, which I am supposed to take when I feel like this. But, there was something in them that makes me go numb after I take them. So, I do not take them, hoping that I would sleep in a while. Naturally. They kill my imagination and by not taking them, I am fighting a battle in the dark against sleep, with creativity on my side.
But even creativity can be disturbing sometimes. And this is exactly a moment like that. I need to use my creativity to fight the anxiety in my head, not create a situation that makes me more anxious. But that is what I do. I create a scenario which makes me even more anxious. Wait, do I hear something? What was that? Was that a bee flapping its wings? Why is a bee in my house? Is there a bee house nearby? Does that mean that my house is filled with honey? And is a bear around?
I go to the kitchen to check what that was. It was not as I predicted. The sound came from a droplet of water leaking from the tap that I had to repair. It was a minor issue, I just closed the tap, remembering that I need to call the plumber and ask him to check this out. I had put about 15 post its all around the house, so that I do not forget it.
As I was going back, I could hear something else. I checked my watch to see how much sleep I could get. It was still showing 6 hours. Would it not move? What happened to it? Is my watch broken? Does that create a rift in time and space? Would that cause a black hole? Would earth get stuck into it? Would that mean that there would be no tomorrow?
I took out my phone to see the time. It showed the same as the watch. My watch isn’t broken. Phew, that’s a relief. Otherwise I need to review each watch, decide which one would look better, then find someone who has actually bought that watch, ask them how they felt, decide on how much should I believe them, get to know them and then if I like it, buy the watch. But what if I don’t like the watch after I buy it? What if it doesn’t give me the value for money that I have expected? What if…?
I looked at the screen of my phone to know what time it was. Time moved slowly. Many questions later, I saw the time again. It had moved considerably for me to be less anxious.
5 more hours to sunrise.