Of the many things that happen in my life, there is one thing, one very specific thing that I wish to avoid. And that is guilt. When I wake up every morning, I wake up with guilt, feeling bad about the time I woke up. Feeling bad about the targets that I have missed. Feeling bad about the things I should be doing rather than sleeping in.
Guilt encompasses me early in the morning, if I wake up late. I think I would wake up early, hit the gym and then come back, write for a while and leave to office. But I wake up late and I miss the gym and writing. I rush to office and guilt laughs at me every day, saying that I cannot complete a small task like going to the gym, how would I accomplish something greater?
Every time I hit the gym, guilt says that you have come here, to a place, where people are fit and have 6 pack abs, muscles which would take you years to achieve, why do you bother coming here? Go sleep in. You are not going to see change in your body anyway. Why do you even bother? It would make me feel small, although I try my best to reach my goals.
This is how my morning is scheduled. I think while I have a bath. I think of how much I can write that day. What would be the topic on which I would write that day? Or what is the next plot line in my book? It has been a long time since I have written for my book. I have been writing for the blog, but I have no idea how to take my book forward. And I am stuck. This makes me guilty.
Every morning even before I devour breakfast, guilt devours me. Guilt that it has been nearly a year and a half and I still haven’t completed the book I have started writing. Guilt that I haven’t even reduced in weight and I have lesser energy by the day. Guilt that I have been trying writing but it has stuck there, with no idea of what would be next. Guilt that every day I wake up with guilt, which affects my day drastically, and although I wish to not do that.
I want to wake up and feel grateful that I am alive. Now, I wake up every morning and feel guilty that I haven’t completed what I wanted to, the previous night. I feel guilty if I wake up late. I feel guilty if I don’t go to the gym. I feel guilty if I woke up and slept off again.
This has to come to an end. I shouldn’t wake up guilty every morning. This shouldn’t happen over and over again. Every day the same thing, but what is different today? Today, I have taken the time to write it down. Till now, I was just thinking of it, but today, I have written it down. This is the beginning of the end of days I wake up feeling guilty.
With all hope, I move forward.